


If Beyond

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Alternate Universe - Not Related, Kili the asshole ghost, M/M, Memory Loss, Mutual Pining, Pining, Romance, modern!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-06-09 06:44:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6894292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If beyond a life is waiting<br/>Let me hide here long'st I can<br/>For oh! how sweetly exhilarating<br/>Is this mild and tender land</p><p>Fili never really believed in ghosts. Not until one was standing in the middle of his kitchen. Actually, he didn't believe in them then, either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A strange sound woke Fili in the middle of the night. At first he was confused, wondering if he had dreamed it. He sat up in bed and switched on the bedside lamp, drawing his blanket up to his chest as if it could protect him.

He was just about to go back to sleep when he heard it again, a muffled thumping sound, as if someone was running against a wall repeatedly. Frowning, he sat up and tugged on a shirt. The sound was repeated, and he leapt up, cracking the bedroom door open and peeking into the corridor.

It was empty, lit by the light of the full moon spilling across whitewashed walls. Fili opened the door wider, and padded carefully towards the kitchen, switching on all the lights on the way as if that could chase away his apprehension.

The kitchen was just as empty as the hallway had been, silvery moonlight reflecting off the shining counter tops, the fridge humming quietly in its corner.

Fili shook his head, wondering at his own stupidity. Of course there wasn't anyone here. What had he been expecting? He was just imagining things.

Now that he was awake, Fili knew that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep easily. Sighing, he rummaged in his cupboards for a mug and a teabags. Perhaps tea would help him fall asleep.

He had just poured the boiling water into the mug when he heard the sound again.

Fili turned to the wall, suddenly afraid. He definitely hadn't imagined it this time. Something was out there. He reached out for his mug of tea as if it were a weapon, gripping it tightly.

Suddenly, the kitchen wall started... shifting. It swam before Fili's eyes, dripping down as if it were melting. Fili couldn't believe his eyes. He must be seeing things, hallucinating, dreaming maybe. He reached out a trembling hand, determined to prove that what he was seeing wasn't real. It couldn't be real.

The wall shifted further, shimmered, and then suddenly a hand reached through, a ghostlike, opalescent... hand. Fili stared at it, completely unable to move, even as the hand was followed by an arm, and then suddenly an entire figure was standing in his kitchen, shimmering, see-through, and with Fili's hand sticking through its chest.

Fili stared at the apparition. It was a man, with long hair reaching to his shoulders, wearing tight jeans, an oversized hoodie, and a shit-eating grin that faded as soon as he- it?- noticed Fili in the room.

The apparitions gaze wandered down to his own chest, with Fili's hand sticking straight through it. Fili couldn't move.

The apparition looked up. "You know," he said calmly, in a pleasant, deep voice, "sticking your hand into someone you've just met is incredibly rude."

Fili dropped his mug, the ceramic shattering at his feet and the hot water spilling onto his naked toes. The pain of it finally allowed him to move, and he leapt back with a loud curse. The apparition giggled loudly, and Fili glared back at him, forgetting that the apparition wasn't, couldn't be, real.

As if to disprove him, the figure moved again, losing some of its shimmering quality and becoming more solid-looking as it perched on the edge of the counter.

"You should clean that up."

Fili stared at him. The apparition sighed. "Hopeless." He said in disgust, waving his hand vaguely at the mess of tea and ceramic on the floor. The shards floated up into the air, the spilled tea vanishing into nowhere. By now, Fili was pretty sure he was dreaming.

"What are you?" Fili asked breathlessly, deciding to play along for now. The figure grinned broadly, drumming its feet against the cupboards he was sitting on. "I'm a ghost!" It replied cheerfully, like a child presenting its halloween costume to a confused neighbour. "I'm here to haunt you!"

Fili didn't quite know what to think. Apparently, he had a more vibrant imagination than he had given himself credit for. He'd never thought himself capable of dreaming up a cheerful ghost sitting on _his_ countertops in _his_ kitchen.

"No, you aren't." Fili's voice gained a frantic edge. "You're definitely not a ghost. And you're definitely not here to haunt me. You're a figment of my imagination, and I'm going to bed now and putting a stop to this... whatever this is. Dream. Or something."

The ghost looked insulted. "I'm not a figment of your imagination!" He declared loudly, drifting a few feet into the air in indignation. "I'm very real, and _you_ ," he floated threateningly close to Fili, "aren't going to get rid of me that easily. And you're not going to sleep either."

"Whatever, mate." Fili headed back to his bedroom, his irritation at himself by now overpowering his fear of the mysterious apparition.. He closed the bedroom door behind him and got into bed just as the door began shimmering and the apparition poked its head through, the rest of its body following quickly.

"What  the hell d'you want?" Fili groaned, burying his face in his pillow. The apparition floated to the top of Fili's closet and glared down at him. "For you to admit that I'm real."

"No way, I'm going to sleep." Fili pulled his blanket up to his chin. The apparition stuck out his tongue at him. "Well, have fun trying," it said, "because I'm going to be staring at you the whole time."

Fili sighed, turning to face the window. "For a figment of my imagination, you're very annoying."

He could have sworn that the apparition looked ever so slightly flattered.

*

The apparition appeared again two days later. Suddenly it was sitting on the counter, curiously watching Fili cook. Fili was holding a open milk carton in his hand at the time, and he dropped it in shock as he suddenly looked up to meet dark eyes boring into his.

The milk splashed onto the floor and onto Fili's bare feet, and he cursed as he quickly bent to pick up the carton.

He looked up at the apparition, face red. "You really have to stop doing that."

The apparition simply giggled and floated past him into the living room, beginning to go through Fili's CDs. Fili marched after the ghost angrily, snatching the CDs from his hands and glaring.

"Get. Out."

"No." The apparition crossed its arms smugly. Fili sighed. "Please go."

The ghost grinned broadly. "I'm a figment of your imagination, remember? Shouldn't you just, I don't know, be able to stop imagining me, or something?"

Fili grit his teeth, arms still full of CDs. "Fine. You're real. Now leave me alone."

The apparition quirked an eyebrow, and his grin took on an evil note. "That smells like something's burning." He commented.

Fili's eyes widened as he dropped his CDs and sprinted for the kitchen. "FUCK!"

*

"What's your name, actually?"

The ghost looked at Fili quizzically. He was a regular in Fili's flat by now. He seemed to have forgotten his mission of haunting Fili and instead spent most of his time just being mildly annoying, for the sheer fun of it.

"Name?"

"You know. What do people call you? How do they get your attention?"

"Nobody's ever had to get my attention before." The ghost shrugged and grabbed the remote, turning the volume inhumanly high. Fili snatched it back and turned the volume lower again.

"You're the only one who can see me," the ghost continued, "I don't really need a name."

"How about I call you Kili?" Fili suggested, watching the other's pale face for a reaction. The ghost seemed slightly pleased. It was the slightest flicker around his mouth, a certain softness in his eyes, that betrayed him.

Kili grabbed a handful of popcorn and floated up to sprinkle it all over both Fili and the couch.

"That is an absolutely terrible idea." The ghost pretended to complain. "I want a cool name."

"Bad luck." Fili picked popcorn out of his hair. "Kili it is."

*

"Do you miss eating?" Fili asked. Kili was helping him cook (it was always nice to have someone around who wasn't bothered by cutting onions) and Fili couldn't help but notice the way Kili was looking at the food.

"Who wouldn't?" Kili asked. "I don't really remember it though, eating, I mean. Just that I enjoyed it."

Fili nodded, silent, gathering the courage to ask the next question.

"Who were you? Before you were a ghost?"

Kili looked at Fili with all the secrets of the universe in his eyes.  "I was a lot of things, Fili. A lot of people."

"Do they like being you? All the people, I mean?"

Kili grabbed a handful of icecubes from the jug of water next to him and dropped them down the back of Fili's shirt.

"You ask too many questions."

*

"You could have left a note."

Kili turned around, confused, to look at Fili standing in the doorway.

"What?" His voice was quiet. There was no confusion in the question, just disbelief.

"You can write." Fili explained. "I know you can, I've seen you do it. You drew dicks all over the report for my boss that one time."

"So?" Kili waved his hand vaguely and the fridge opened. The ghost floated over and began unscrewing all the jars and placing the lids on the windowsill next to the fridge.

"Well, you've been gone for four days. You could have left a note."

Kili turned in surprise, a smug grin spreading over his features. "Aw, did you miss me?"

Fili ignored him, closing the fridge door with a snap. "Where were you? What do you even do when you aren't here?"

Kili frowned in thought, as if he was trying to remember. "I dream." His shoulders tensed. "It isn't something you'd understand."

Fili picked up a cork that was lying on the countertop and threw it at Kili. The cork floated straight through the ghost and he shuddered in discomfort, glaring at Fili. The blond shook his head. "You can be terrible at times, you know that?"

"Only at times?" Kili floated up to unscrew a lightbulb and raced into the livingroom to spread Fili's beloved CDs all over the floor. Fili knew by now that the more annoying and destructive Kili was being, the more emotions he was trying to hide. "In that case I'll have to step up my game."

*

"Why me?"

"Why not you?"

*

"What would happen if I moved out?"

Kili shrugged. Fili could see the pain in the line of Kili's shoulders as the ghost really considered his answer.

"I'd stay here." He finally said. Fili thought he heard a tremble in Kili's voice, as if the answer was struggling for survival, fighting through the still air. "I'm tied to the flat," Kili continued. "I belong here."

"I always thought you belonged with me." Fili blushed. "I mean... you know what I mean."

"Yeah." Kili laughed, head tipped back, smile sunny and pleased. It was in moments like these that Fili would never have been able to tell Kili wasn't real, wasn't alive, wasn't flesh and blood and a thumping heart on the line. Kili faced him, still smiling brilliantly, and Fili felt warmth flood through him. "I know what you mean."

"So you never came for me... because of me in the first place?" Fili tugged at his sleeves, picked at a loose thread.

"I didn't say that." Kili turned to him, legs crossed, chin in his hands. "You called me here."

Fili snorted. "I didn't call you here." He smiled at the memory of their first meeting. "I didn't want you here."

Kili looked pleased. "You're talking in past tense." The ghost noticed, all too smug for Fili's liking.

"My mistake." Fili retorted. "Let me correct myself: I don't want you here."

"Liar." Kili replied laying back with his head on Fili's lap. When he was like this, solid and happy and stable, they could touch each other, although Kili was cold and weightless, like hugging a cloud. "You'd miss me and my annoying ways." As if to prove his words, he snapped his fingers and the TV screen flashed to black, sudden silence falling like a blanket of snow. Fili sighed as he began to get up, but was stopped by Kili tugging at his arm. The grip of ghostly fingers felt like ice on his skin.

"Stay." Kili insisted. Fili fell back onto the couch and carded his fingers through Kili's hair. Kili's hair fascinated him. It was cold and ethereal, and dragging fingers through it felt like drawing them through soap bubbles. When he released a strand, it would float weightlessly as if they were in water, somewhere deep down in the ocean where nothing and nobody could touch them.

"Would you haunt whoever moves in after me?" Fili asked, watching Kili's hair sway in lazy tendrils. Kili closed his eyes and hummed, but there was a telltale tightness around the bridge of his nose that told stories of things he didn't say. They both never said everything, never said enough.

"Maybe." Kili replied. Fili watched the freckles on Kili's nose and tried to form constellations out of them.

"I guess I'll just have to stay, then." Fili whispered under his breath. Kili opened one eye and squinted up at the blond. "Did you say something?"

"Me? No."

They both always kept quiet too much.

*

"Does everybody who dies turn into a ghost?"

Kili looked at Fili with a frown. "What do you mean?"

Fili stared down at his socks, at the holes in the fabric. "When I die... will I be a ghost too?"

Kili looked as if Fili was asking him where babies came from. "I'm not dead!" He replied finally, insulted and incredulous and confused all at once.

"What do you mean you're not dead?" Fili was just as confused. Kili floated a few feet into the air, as if he had momentarily forgotten to stay grounded.

"I'm just... not."

"But you're a ghost." Fili tried to reason. "Ghosts are... well, dead."

"I'm not dead." Kili insisted. "I'm memories. That's all."

"Memories?" Fili thought that the realization may have opened a black hole in his heart that was turning his life into a floating disarray. "Whose... whose memories?"

Kili shrugged. "How should I know?"

"So you aren't... real?" Fili frowned up at him. Kili was almost touching the ceiling by now, tattered converse floating at Fili's eye level.

"Of course I'm real." Kili said as if it was the simplest thing in the world. And then, as if the conversation were over, he floated over to the bookshelf and carefully began pulling out books and putting them back in a different order. Fili always organised them alphabetically. Not because he thought it would stay that way, but because he knew how much Kili liked messing them up again.

 Fili watched him with a smile.

"What if you're my memories?" He called into the other room.

Kili looked at him again, nose wrinkling in disgust. "Don't be stupid."

Fili turned back to cooking with a smile, shaking his head. "You should at least consider the possibility." He insisted.

Kili snorted. "You're not smart enough for memories."

Fili tossed an onion at him. Kili was solid enough that it slowed as it hit him, moving through him as if through syrup. It embedded itself in the middle of Kili's chest and the ghost looked down in disgust as Fili laughed.

"At least now you have _something_ filling that void where a heart should be." Fili turned back to cooking, completely missing the look Kili gave him.

"I've got heart enough for both of us." Kili replied, reaching for the onion and tossing it back at Fili. The blond laughed. "Let's hope you don't throw it away as easily as you do the onion."

Kili's mouth twisted into a small smile as he watched the blond laugh.

  _I think I do._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the end, you can only hide the truth for so long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know how but this turned out way longer than I originally intended.

"I'm home!" Fili announced as the door closed behind him. He dropped his bag to the ground and shrugged out of his jacket, then paused. "Kili?" He shouted through the apartment. There was still no reply.

Fili poked his head into the kitchen, threw open the door to the bedroom, even checked the bathroom. Kili was gone. Fili shrugged to himself. Kili would disappear regularly, sometimes for days on end. Fili may not know what Kili was off doing during those times, but he knew that Kili would always come back. Still. The flat was empty without him, lonely, almost.

Fili sighed as he shoved yesterday's leftovers into the microwave. He'd be fine for a few days. it would probably even be nice to be alone for a while. Yeah. Fili smiled to himself as he sat down with dinner and a book. He'd use his alone time to its full extent.

By day 5, he was bored.

By day 8, he was impatient.

By day 11, he was beginning to get rather pissed.

By day 14, he was really, really worried.

Why was Kili taking so long?

Still, what could he do? He had no idea where Kili was, or how to get him back. He doubted that he'd even be able to follow Kili, wherever he was. So Fili began to work overtime, to hang out at bars, anything so he wouldn't have to be at home, alone in the silence, wondering where Kili was and if he was alright. Please, he'd pray as he was lying in bed, watching the lights of the cars paint worlds across his bedroom ceiling. Please let him be all right.

*

Fili dropped his briefcase with a sigh. He seemed exhausted, both from his long day and from constant worry. There was a certain lethargy in his movements, a certain tension coiled along the line of his spine. Kili watched from the doorway, frowning as he watched Fili take off his shoes. His departure had obviously taken its toll on Fili.

"Hi." Kili finally said, softly. Shame was beginning to rise up in him, leaving a sour taste in his mouth. Shame that he hadn't tried to return sooner, shame that he had never even thought Fili would be affected by him leaving.

The blond looked up, eyes wide, lips parted as he spotted Kili floating in the doorway. "Kili." His voice was hoarse, and the look of relief on his face just made the shame twist tighter in Kili's heart. The ghost's lips twitched up in a smile. "Hi." He repeated, not knowing what else he should say. Should he apologise? Make up excuses?

A whoosh of air left him as Fili rushed forward to tug him into a hug. Kili awkwardly reached around Fili and patted him on the back gently. This was... new.

"Don't ever do that to me again." Fili demanded, squeezing even tighter. Warmth flooded Kili as he realized what this was about, and he had to smile as he hugged Fili back. "I won't." He promised softly. "Not ever."

Fili's grip didn't let up. Kili smiled and carded his fingers through Fili's hair. "I made pizza."

Fili laughed, a small, choking sound, and Kili thought that maybe, just maybe, there was a hint of tears in that laugh. "You are officially the worst ghost ever."

"It has all your favourite toppings." Kili added with a grin. Fili laughed again, but this time there was less sadness behind the sound.

"That doesn't make it better."

*

"What do you do when you're gone?" Fili asked. He asked every time. Kili was used to it.

"I sleep." Kili replied. "I've already told you that. Often."

"Why do you have to sleep, anyway? You're a memory." Fili grabbed another slice of pizza and looked up at Kili curiously. Kili smiled and wiped tomato sauce off of Fili's chin.

"So, you must notice that I'm always more or less solid."

"Yeah, sure." Fili didn't tell him that he noticed it every time, how Kili would become practically see-through when he was angry, and how Kili's happiness was firm and solid, and had Fili expecting to hear a heartbeat when he rested his head against Kili's chest.

"The longer I stay, the more solid I get. The more... real. I need to sleep to become a memory again. If I stay for too long, I'll begin to... well, change." Kili tugged at the hem of his shirt nervously. "There's never been a ghost that has survived the transformation. It's six months of constant pain. After all, your body is being created out of thin air. They die of pain." Kili shuddered. "Once it starts, there's no way of escaping it. No way to go back to sleep."

Fili looked up at him, eyes wide. Kili had never seen a clearer blue. Looking into Fili's eyes sometimes felt like falling into the sky itself.

"Aren't you scared sometimes?"

"Of what?"

"That you won't be able to go back to sleep." Fili's eyebrows were pulled down in a frown. Kili smiled. "Not really."

He didn't dare tell Fili that every time he tried, going back to sleep was more difficult than before.

*

"I have a very personal question."

Kili stole a bite of Fili's donut as he flew overhead. "Go ahead."

"You sure?" Fili quickly rescued the rest of his donut. "It really is rather personal."

Kili rolled his eyes. "If I say "go ahead", I really mean it. Now go on and ask."

"You said you're made of different memories." Fili stated, thoughtfully. Kili nodded and floated up to the top of the kitchen cabinet. "Ew, it's gross up here." The ghost commented instead of an answer, and swept the dust onto Fili's head below.

"So, do you actually have those memories? Can you remember what it was like to be.... well... human?"

Kili considered for a moment. "Not really." He finally said. "I don't have the memories themselves. But I have... vague ideas about what it was like. Recurring themes in the memories make their way into my consciousness. Things that you take for granted, that are so everyday they are imprinted in all your thoughts. Societal rules. How to act in traffic. What cities are. The colour of the sky. Earth. Stars." Kili smiled a little. "You humans really love stars."

"Can you remember being in love? What a kiss feels like?"

Kili froze, wide-eyed. "That..." His throat was suddenly very dry. He licked his lips nervously. "Uh..." Oh shit. Kili's gaze caught Fili's. Did Fili know? He couldn't tell if the question was an innocent one or what was behind it.

He suddenly realized that his hands were trembling ever so slightly. If he had a heart, it would be thumping loud enough to be heard across the room. He cleared his throat, shook his head quickly and put on a winning smile. "Don't be stupid. I don't remember specific things like that."

"Oh." Fili said softly and picked up the morning paper. Kili watched him carefully, and thought that maybe he did know what being in love felt like after all.

*

"I have one too."

Fili looked up at him, confused. Kili was busy unscrewing a lightbulb while watching for the exact moment that the light flickered and went out, before he twisted it back in just to unscrew it again.

"A what?" He asked. Kili's concentration, however rapt it may have been just moments before, was by now clearly faked. He pretended to scrutinise the lightbulb. "A personal question." He replied. "I have one too."

Fili crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair. "Well, whatever personal thing could you not know about me yet, I wonder?" He rolled his eyes. "You've hidden my towels, randomly phased through the walls while I'm on the toilet, gone through all my diaries I kept as a teenager... you've seen it all."

Kili chuckled and finally left the lightbulb alone. "I haven't. I'm not even close." He winked at Fili, who raised an eyebrow in response. "Well, then, ask away."

"We've known each other for two years now, right?" Kili fiddled with his tattered converse. Fili pursed his lips in thought and nodded. "Yeah. What's your point?"

"Well, in all that time, you've never been in a relationship. Not even a date. You've just been... alone."

Fili huffed. "Yeah, way to rub it in." Kili saw real upset in his eyes and immediately regretted asking. Still he plunged on. "Why, though? I mean..." Kili cleared his throat nervously. "Look at you," he rushed out before he could think better of it, "it's not as if you'd have difficulties landing anyone."

Fili shrugged, eyes shifting nervously around the kitchen. Kili floated down to sit on the counter beside him. The blond thought for a while before answering. "I don't know. I... it just hasn't happened. Besides," Fili shot Kili a shy grin, flushing slightly. "I'm not alone. I've got you."

"Yeah." Kili smiled equally shyly and tugged at the sleeve of his sweater. "You have got me."

Their gazes met. Fili's blush deepened. "I couldn't really imagine anyone else being such a big part of my life." He confessed. "Just you."

Kili smiled as Fili ducked his head shyly. "Me too." The ghost admitted. Fili looked up, suddenly hopeful. "Yeah?"

Kili's smile broadened as he slowly leaned forward, brought up a hand to cup Fili's cheek and pressed his lips to Fili's.

Kili's lips were cold, but not in an uncomfortable way. The kiss was shy, gentle, no more than a brush of lips before Kili was pulling back again. Despite the cold hand resting against his cheek, Fili felt overheated.

"Is this okay?" Kili's voice broke through Fili's happy haze. Fili looked up at him. He looked more solid and more alive than Fili had ever seen him. There was a trace of colour in his usually pale face. His eyes were sparkling with tenderness, deep and dark, and his lips were quirked up in a small, uncertain smile. Fili leaned forward again and buried his hand in Kili's dark hair.

"Yeah." He whispered past the lump in his throat. "It's more than okay."

*

Not really much changed, Fili found out. Kili was still annoying, in an exasperating yet lovable sort of way. Their shared life now was just like their shared life had been before. Fili still came home after work to find Kili lounging on the couch watching TV, and still found his CDs in disarray no matter how many times he sorted them.

The only thing that really changed was the way Kili would look at him sometimes, soft and happy, with that small smile he had when he was trying not to break into a full-out grin.

Fili wouldn't have it any other way.

"You lied to me, you know." Kili said one evening when they were cuddling on the couch, a movie playing in the background. Fili gasped in mock insult and placed a hand on his heart for dramatic effect. "I would never!" He replied, sounding shocked at the very suggestion.

"You did." Kili insisted. Fili sobered up. "Yeah? When?"

"You said once that you like being alone." Kili looked up at him with a slight frown. Fili shrugged. "I don't mind it, I guess."

"Yeah, you do." Kili traced the line of Fili's eyebrow with a concentrated expression. "You mind it a lot. It's what called me here."

"That's the second time you've said that I "called you here", and I still don't know what you mean by it."

Kili thought for a while. "Well..." he began slowly. "It's not easy to explain."

Fili smiled. "Nothing about you is easy to explain."

Kili didn't take the bait, drumming his fingers against the TV remote as he thought hard. "Before I formed, before I became... well, me, I was in a perpetual state of dream. Like sleeping, forever."

"I pity you." Fili replied drily and snuggled against Kili comfortably.

Kili huffed a small laugh. "It wasn't too bad. At some point in time, I became aware of a presence, another dreamer. Imagine it like raw energy just floating about space. Buzzing with thoughts and memories."

Fili closed his eyes. "To be honest, I'm just imagining neon-coloured brains floating around in blackness."

Kili rolled his eyes. "I guess that works too. So I became aware of this presence, and I began to try and connect to it. See its memories. That was you, by the way. The presence."

Kili thought for a moment before continuing. "You were right there next to me, and you were so... cold. Lonely and sad and infinitely cold." Kili shivered at the memory and tugged Fili closer. "But you had such beautiful memories. I didn't understand how someone with such beautiful thoughts could be so sad." He broke off and began tracing lazy patterns across Fili's side. "I began to miss you whenever you went. When you were gone, it felt like it was just me in the emptiness." Kili smiled softly. "And so I decided to come here. So that none of us had to feel alone anymore."

Fili smiled back at him and leaned in for a kiss. "Well," he said, "it definitely worked."

Kili grinned and wormed his cold feet in between Fili's legs. "Yeah. It did. Even if I had to put you through quite a scare at first."

Fili smiled as Kili's nose pressed into his cheek. "I don't mind." He promised.


	3. Chapter 3

Kili was standing at the stove, humming softly to himself as he worked. He didn't even notice Fili come in, not until the blond leaned over and brushed a strand of dark hair behind Kili's ear. Kili looked up in surprise, face splitting in a huge grin when he saw him.

"Hey." Fili leaned in for a quick kiss. Kili simply hummed in reply. Fili leaned forward to look at what Kili was cooking and quickly reached out a hand to snatch a slice of tomato from the cutting-board beside him. Kili simply slapped the blond's hand away, ignoring Fili's pout.

"You just wait." Kili promised with an eager smile, grabbing the tomatoes and dumping them into the pot instead. "This is going to be delicious when it's done."

Fili smiled. "I'm sure."

Kili turned to him with a glare. "That better not be sarcastic."

Fili raised his hands in mock-surrender, backing away slowly. Kili pointed his spoon at him threateningly, fighting to keep a smile off his face. "Yeah," he said, "you better run."

Fili was happy to simply watch Kili silently for a while. It was rare to have such a moment of peace. Kili wore his humour like armour, constantly evading and denying, and to see him like this, this happy and peaceful, it was something Fili wanted to treasure.

"I got you something." Fili said finally, tracing patterns on the cold countertop beneath his hands. Kili looked up, raising an eyebrow. "A peace offering for insulting your cooking." Fili added.

Kili laughed as he dried his hands on the kitchen towel. "This better be good."

Fili rummaged in his work bag, finally pulling out a small black box. Kili took it, pulling an impressed face. "This doesn't look too bad." He admitted, opening it carefully.

Kili's breath caught in his throat at what was inside. For a long while, he simply stared, then he carefully pulled the necklace from its box. It was a simple necklace, with a pendant shaped like a raven in mid-flight. Kili realised suddenly that this was the first gift he had ever gotten. He looked up at Fili, eyes shining.

"Thank you." He whispered hoarsely. Fili rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly and evaded Kili's gaze.

"I just thought... you know. You should own something in this house. Even if it's just a dumb necklace."

Kili tugged Fili into a tight hug, fist clenching around the chain of the necklace. "It's far more than a 'dumb necklace'." He whispered into the crook of Fili's neck. "Thank you. I mean it."

Fili's arms tightened around him. "I'm glad you like it."

"Hmm, you should be, my revenge if I hadn't would have been terrible to witness." Kili tried to disentangle himself to go back to his cooking, but Fili held on tight. Kili huffed as he gave in.

"You're sabotaging your own dinner, you know."

"This is much better than dinner anyway."

Kili laughed and poked Fili's side. "Nice as that is to hear, hugs aren't going to keep you alive and functioning."

*

"Hi." Fili flopped onto the couch. Kili didn't even turn to look at him, too busy taking the batteries out of the kitchen clock so he could hide them later. "Hey." The ghost replied. Fili reached for his bag, pulling out the book he was currently reading, but he didn't even bother opening it.

"Aren't you going to ask how my day was?"

Kili flashed him a quick grin. "No," he replied, hanging the clock back up and drifting through the room on his search for more batteries.

"Well," Fili continued regardless, "I went and had my lunch break with Dwalin today."

Kili made a small uh-huh sound as he popped open the back of the old radio. Fili continued, book resting unopened on his stomach. "And we were talking, and the subject of boyfriends came up." He waited for a while to see Kili's reaction. The ghost seemed unfazed. "That's nice," he said.

"Well, Dwalin asked why I'm still single, and of course I couldn't say that I'm not. And he offered to set me up with one of his friends." Finally, Kili looked at him. Fili could have sworn that he saw a flash of jealousy, but it was gone too quickly for him to be sure.

"Well," Kili said, very slowly, "that's just ridiculous."

Fili frowned. "Aren't you concerned? At least a little?"

Kili shrugged. "Why should I be? I know that you're not going to go on a date with him, whoever he is." He caught sight of Fili's guilty face and immediately stopped what he was doing, putting the radio down. For the first time, Fili thought that he saw fear in his eyes. "Are you?" Kili whispered hoarsely. Fili ducked his head, avoiding Kili's gaze.

"I mean..." He wanted to begin, but Kili cut him off furiously. "You agreed, didn't you? You agreed to go."

Fili shook his head violently. "No! I promise, I could never..."

"Don't lie to me!" Kili looked murderous, eyes flashing, almost see-through in his anger.

"I'm not lying to you!" Fili tried. It hurt him to see Kili this angry at him, and it hurt that Kili should have so little trust in him. He scrambled to stand, putting out his hands in an imploring gesture. "I promise, Kili, I turned him down."

"Then why do you look so bloody guilty?" Kili came closer in a whoosh of air, floating inches away and glaring at Fili. Fili looked away, fingers tugging at his sleeves nervously. His answer, when it came, was quiet. "Because I thought about it. I thought about saying yes."

Kili stared at him, surprised. "Fili," he said gently, reaching out to place a hand on his arm. "That isn't a bad thing. You don't have to feel guilty for that."

"You don't understand. I really... I really thought it through, and I was about to say yes. I drew up a neat little list of pros and cons, and I realized, then, that... well, the only logical conclusion is to agree. It's... the only way I can lead a normal life, the only way I can be happy."

Kili retreated as if burned. His voice came out small and wounded. "I can't make you happy." His eyes were filled with tears. "So... you'd rather..." he couldn't finish the sentence. Fili was quick to reach out in an attempt to comfort him, but Kili shied away, every movement laced with hurt.

"Kili, please, that's not what I meant. You make me so, so happy, and I never want to lose you, but you have to understand. I'm human. You're... not, and that makes it difficult sometimes. I love you, Kili, but..." Fili sat down again, buried his head in his hands. "I just wish sometimes that I had someone who could meet my friends, my family.  Someone I could go on dates with, or on holidays." He looked up with a small, sad smile. "I just want to be normal, sometimes. Is that so hard to understand?"

Kili shook his head and floated down until his feet touched the ground. Fili realized suddenly that this was the first time Kili had ever stood on his feet instead of floating, as if the argument was finally bringing him down to earth from whatever dream he had lived in before. "Not at all," Kili said quietly. Fili reached out, and finally Kili let himself be pulled into an embrace.

"I just wish you could be that person." Fili whispered into Kili's hair as he clung to him tightly. Kili snuggled into Fili's arms as if trying to protect himself from something. "I could be, you know."

Fili frowned down at him, trying to quell the small seed of hope settling into his heart at the words. "What do you mean?"

"Well," Kili seemed to regret having said anything. "The more memories I make, the more memories _we_ make, the more solid I get. I sleep to avoid becoming solid. If I just didn't sleep..."

"You said it'd kill you."

Kili's smile was brittle. "Maybe it wouldn't."

Fili shook his head furiously. "It's too dangerous."

"Not if..." Kili trailed off, took a deep breath and started again. "If you gave me your memories of me, of us... I could manage. It would be painful, but it would be over in a span of seconds."

Fili felt a sharp shard of pain embed itself into his heart. "But I would forget you."

Kili nodded, his eyes filled with tears. His voice was laced with regret. "You would."

Fili closed his eyes and rested his head against Kili's chest. Despite himself, he found himself listening for a heartbeat. "No." He said slowly. "I don't want that. I won't ever want that." He looked up. "I can't forget you, Kili."

Kili hugged him tight. "I love you."

Fili felt the cold of Kili's body seep into his fingertips. "I love you too."

*

Fili came home to eerie stillness. It was completely quiet, but not in the way that it's quiet when you're home alone. The apartment felt abandoned, deserted, left behind. It made the back of Fili's neck prickle and the hairs on his arms stand up the moment he came in. 

"Kili?" He called through the apartment, knowing full well that he wouldn't get an answer. He dropped his briefcase loudly and bent to take off his shoes, trying to make as much noise as possible to combat the dreadful silence. Kili had probably left, he decided as he looked down the hallway to the bedroom and then looked into the kitchen. It was gleaming, untouched since yesterday evening.

Fili sighed as sat down at the kitchen table, suddenly feeling strangely exhausted. He opened a window and let the sounds of the city flood him, listening to the rushing cars and the rattling of the trams. The noise brought him a strange comfort. In the days when he had been alone, before Kili had appeared in his flat, his windows had been open almost constantly. Fili liked to be reminded of the world in any way he could. He found silence so lonely.

Kili had been right, Fili thought to himself. He didn't like being alone. He wasn't good at being alone, and now that he had grown so used to Kili's company, it was so much worse.

Fili sat at the window until the sun set, the sky darkening to velvet blue over his head. He was lost deep in thought, for once cherishing the silence and calm that allowed him time to think.

It was late by the time he stood up and headed into the living room with his microwaved dinner. Night had long since fallen, and it was pitch black, the street lamps throwing thin rays of light across the living room floor. Fili switched on the light, hiding a yawn behind his hand. Opening his eyes again, he scanned the living room quickly... and froze.

Ceramic shattered as his plate dropped to the floor, food and shards of ceramic spilling over his feet. Ignoring the mess, Fili rushed over to the dark figure collapsed on his living room floor, not even noticing when he cut himself on one of the shards.

"Kili?" He recognized the huddled figure immediately and kneeled down, tugging Kili to lie on his back. Though pale, Kili looked and felt more solid than Fili had ever seen him. Even the cold chill had left him, although his skin could hardly be described as warm to the touch. Fili tried to hold back his panic as his fingers skimmed over Kili's still form. He seemed so frail, so fragile, lying there completely still, pale and gaunt with dark circles under his eyes. Fili took Kili's limp hand in his. The long fingers were cold and shockingly white. "Kili!" Fili repeated, louder, shaking him, tugging at him, anything to get him to wake, but still Kili wouldn't move. Utterly overcome with panic, Fili shook harder, shouted louder, tears burning hot tracks down his face, until finally, Kili shifted.

Kili's eyes fluttered open slowly. "Fili?" He sounded like he was waking from a long sleep, his voice fuzzy and words blurring together. "Fili, is that you?"

"I'm here." Fili promised in a whisper, relief making his shoulders heavy and his spine bow. "I'm here." He repeated like a prayer, and Kili gave a small gasp and sat up shakily to wind his arms around Fili's neck and drag him close.

"Fili..." Kili whispered, voice muffled, tears wetting the back of Fili's neck. Fili wound his arms around Kili's waist and held him close, letting him cry while outside, the street lights flickered and danced.

Finally, Kili's shudders stilled, his tears slowing and his breaths calming. Fili rubbed a hand over Kili's back, along the long line of his spine.

"What happened?" He asked, quiet, as if scared of the answer. Kili didn't reply, his fingers digging into the back of Fili's shirt.

"I tried." Kili's voice was broken. "I tried, Fili, I swear, again and again, I tried, but... I can't. I can't."

Fili pressed a kiss to dark locks in an attempt to calm Kili down. "What can't you?"

Kili looked up, cheeks stained with tears, eyes red and hair tangled. "Sleep." He whispered hoarsely. "I can't sleep. I'm trapped."

"You..."

Kili sniffed, rubbed furiously at his eyes. "I left it too long. I stayed too long, and now I can't go back, never again. I'm trapped." He repeated, sounding as if the horror of it was only now sinking in.

Fili lowered his head and tried to force back tears. "How long do you have until the pain starts?"

Kili shook his head. "A few hours at most." His voice turned impossibly gentle as he looked up at Fili with pity shining clear in his eyes. "I won't survive this," he said, gravely, "you know that, don't you?"

Fili nodded, wishing that he didn't. Kili smiled sadly. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "That it all had to end this way." He leaned in carefully, as if asking for permission, and brushed his lips against Fili's. They were warm, and soft, and undoubtedly human. Fili let himself fall into Kili's embrace, kissing him as if it was the last time he ever would. Kili's tears were hot against his cheeks, and Fili reached up to touch a hand to Kili's cheek, feeling the warmth seep into his fingers.

He drew back suddenly, mind made up. "Take my memories." He demanded. Kili blinked, clearly caught off guard. "What?"

Fili drew closer, their legs pressing together as he watched Kili earnestly. "You said if I gave you my memories of you... of us. Then you could avoid the pain. Transform. You wouldn't have to die."

"Fili..." Kili sounded amazed that Fili would even think of offering such a sacrifice. "Fili, you don't have to do this."

Fili tried to smile at him. "I know." He took a deep breath and plunged straight in. "I love you, Kili. I love you, and I just want you to be safe, to be happy. Even if that happiness..." he took a deep breath and started again. "Even if that happiness doesn't include me."

"Fili..." Kili started shaking his head, but before he could say another word he doubled up in a fit of pain, crying out at the suddenness. Fili shouted out as he leaned forward, tears filling his eyes at the sight of Kili in so much pain. He tipped Kili's face up gently and wiped sweaty bangs out of his eyes. "Take them." He urged. "Please."

Finally, Kili nodded. Fili kissed him again, desperately, fingers shaking as they tangled in Kili's hair. "Don't forget me." He begged as they drew apart one last time. Kili smiled sadly past his tears. "I could never."

They sat silently while the cars roared by, eyes fixed on each other as they tried to commit the feel of the other's skin to memory.

"I won't remember you, will I? Anything about you." Fili's grip tightened on Kili's hand as Kili shook his head. Fili tried for a smile past his tears. "Well," he said, voice shaking, "what are you waiting for?"

"I'm sorry." Kili whispered as he raised his fingers to Fili's temple. "I'm so very sorry."

"Don't be," Fili replied. His free hand found Kili's and he held on tight. Suddenly, he gasped, his body going rigid as Kili's fingers pulsed with glowing energy that passed through his veins like molten fire. Kili began tensing as the glow spread ever further, until it reached his heart. He let out a blood-curdling scream at the pain, the feeling of his heart beginning to beat, finding a rhythm as blood began to flow along newly formed arteries and veins, as muscle stretched out its long tendrils and bone grew steadily.

Kili couldn't tell how long the pain lasted, just that when it was over, he collapsed, throat sore, body aching, with tears spilling across his cheeks and chest rising and falling in rapid breaths. Fili had blacked out, though Kili could not tell when; and as the glow faded, the weight of Fili's memories hit him like a truck. Kili fell to the floor again, unable to grasp all that suddenly flooded his mind.

Fili's memories were unusual, exciting, vibrant. He had never seen thoughts as colourful. He could discern themes, songs and melodies that seemed to play on repeat. Stars. Family. Noise. _Love._ Music, wind, mountains, and most of all, over and over again, everywhere he looked, love, love, love.

Kili smiled as he looked down at Fili's slumbering form and picked him up carefully, laying him on the couch although his new body protested at every movement.

When he was done, Kili looked down at the unconscious blond and leaned down to place a gentle kiss on his forehead. He straightened up, still smiling through his tears.

"We'll meet again." He promised, burying his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. "Somehow, somewhere. We'll get another chance."

Kili looked around the apartment one last time, strangely sad to be leaving it. This place had become his home, somehow. He just wished he could take something with him, a reminder.

The realisation hit him suddenly. With a wide grin, he bent and lifted up one of the couch cushions, grabbing a small box underneath it. Opening it, he lifted out the raven necklace Fili had gifted him with. When he hadn't had a body, he hadn't been able to wear the necklace. His form simply hadn't been stable enough. But now... a feeling of deep satisfaction  filled him as he lifted the necklace over his head, the pendant dangling over his chest. Now , he felt, he could finally leave. He looked back at Fili one last time.

"You just wait." He smiled, pretending for a moment that Fili could still hear him."You're not getting rid of me that easily."

*

"Excuse me?"

Fili turned to look at the speaker, who took that as a cue to continue. "I really hope I'm not bothering you, but could you maybe tell me how to get to the North Market?" The speaker was a man about his age, with long, dark brown hair, stubble and a friendly smile. For a moment, Fili found his breath catching in his chest. It wasn't simply that the man was ridiculously attractive. He... caused something. Fili didn't know what to call that tightening in his chest, that niggling thought at the back of his mind, the name stuck on the tip of his tongue, but it felt like a long wait now over.

"Of course not." Fili caught himself just in time and smiled back. "In fact, I'm headed in that direction, so just stick by me."

"Thanks." The young man stuck out his hand in greeting. "I'm Kili."

"Fili. Nice to meet you." Fili tried furiously not to blush. Blushing would not do at all. "So, are you new here?"

Kili nodded. "Yeah, been here about five months. I'm hopeless at directions in general though. I come from a small place, never had to navigate a city as big as this."

"Where are you from?"

Kili laughed. "You wouldn't know it," He said, but Fili shrugged. "You might be surprised."

Kili's answering smile lit up his entire face. "I might be."

Only now did Fili notice the necklace the man was wearing, a delicate chain with an elegant pendant in the form of a raven in flight. There it was again, that niggling thought at the back of his mind, a memory he couldn't quite recall. "That's a nice necklace." He commented casually. Kili looked down as if only noticing it now. "Thanks. It's... very special to me. Reminds me of home."

Fili raised an eyebrow. "I'm very intrigued by this town I've supposedly never heard of, somehow."

 Kili looked up with a grin like that of a child having thought of some kind of new mischief. "Then why don't I take you for a coffee and tell you all about it?"

*

Kili smiled at the ice cream server and thanked her politely, taking his change and grabbing the two cones. He hurried over the road balancing the two huge cones and made his way to the middle of the bridge, where Fili was leaning against the railing and gazing out over the canal.

"Here you go." Kili leaned against the bridge railing next to him and held out one of the ice cream cones. Fili looked up at him and laughed loudly, accepting the offered treat. "Holy shit, Kili!" He shook his head in amazement. "How many scoops is this?"

"Five." Kili replied with a broad grin. "I picked your favourite."

Fili smiled up at him softly and leaned in for a kiss. "You know me so well." He whispered. Kili chuckled. "That's good to hear." He replied.

Fili took hold of his hand and together they wandered through the city. "I'm glad we're here, you know." Fili finally said as they found a bench by one of the canals. Kili laughed. "I should hope so. You're the one who decided we should go on this trip."

Fili elbowed him gently. Once Kili's giggles had faded into silence, Fili began talking again. "I always wanted to go to Amsterdam, you know."

Kili raised his eyebrows. "Why didn't you just go earlier? You're almost 30, you've had enough time." Fili shrugged. "I just... I never found the right person before, I guess. I wanted to come here with someone special."

"Awww." Kili smiled and leaned in for another kiss. They sat next to each other in comfortable silence, Kili's arm resting around Fili's shoulders, finishing up the last of their ice cream.

"You know..." Fili hesitated for a moment. "When I saw you two years ago, standing there at the bus stop..." Kili gave a tiny little noise just to show that he was listening, and Fili kept speaking with more surety. "I had this moment of déjà-vu. It's like I'd known you before, a long time before. It was tucked away right in the back of my mind, this memory..."

Kili smiled down at his boyfriend. "We must have met before," he teased. Fili laughed. "Don't be stupid." He replied affectionately. Kili's hand found Fili's and he squeezed it gently, suddenly completely baffled by his own luck. That someone like Fili could fall in love with him, not once, but twice over... "I'm a lucky man."

"So am I."

And they both knew that that meant _I love you too._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr! Visit me [here](http://www.thegoddessidunn.tumblr.com)!


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